Of course I cried

Mostly because I feel myself slipping away in terms of writing abilities and confidence. Overwhelmed by pretty much EVERYTHING, I've been sliding down tracks I hadn't considered before.

Ew. I really did not mean for that to sound poetic or metaphorical.

Half the time I feel like I'm going to throw up. I always feel like my work is lacking, thanks to my surroundings and the judgement of others. I'm not feeling competitive, but when certain people are constantly recognized and it's made clear by others that those people are above your levels, it's hard not to compare.

And it's hard not to have a meltdown when writing is what you rely on. Your only outlet. Like me.

I'm starting to get the feeling that this doesn't make any sense.

Anyway.

My gut reaction is to ignore it. Swallow my emotions and let it go. Say to myself, "screw them."

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. Like it would be easier to be able to...I don't know, not care.

I am not an over achiever, though I know some subconscious part of my brain, or just me, or WHATEVER wants to be.

As if that would make anything better.

I've been screaming in my head for most of the day. Especially in ELA, when my struggles with my own writing comes into play.

I honestly expected to see drops on the keyboard the minute I looked down, but they're not there. At this point I'm just ranting angrily...not being skillful or clever writing wise, of course.

And every time I let too much run through my mind at once, I know I'm going to cry.

Because how could I not?

Anyway.

I'm reading the Bell Jar, and at first I tried to turn to Esther and Sylvia, alike as character and author.

But at this point, I don't find comfort in my books. I can only use them as distractions from my loss of confidence. And everything else.

Which depresses me even further.

I'm making an attempt...
to get over it...
but I'm not getting anywhere...

Help...