I had a slight emotional breakdown, as you may have seen in my last entry. Sigh.
Sorry about that. Please ignore.
Sorry Ms. Robbins, especially, for having to see that probably traumatizing entry.
Thanks for your amazing support.
Thanks.
Everyone.
Sorry.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Of course I cried
Mostly because I feel myself slipping away in terms of writing abilities and confidence. Overwhelmed by pretty much EVERYTHING, I've been sliding down tracks I hadn't considered before.
Ew. I really did not mean for that to sound poetic or metaphorical.
Half the time I feel like I'm going to throw up. I always feel like my work is lacking, thanks to my surroundings and the judgement of others. I'm not feeling competitive, but when certain people are constantly recognized and it's made clear by others that those people are above your levels, it's hard not to compare.
And it's hard not to have a meltdown when writing is what you rely on. Your only outlet. Like me.
I'm starting to get the feeling that this doesn't make any sense.
Anyway.
My gut reaction is to ignore it. Swallow my emotions and let it go. Say to myself, "screw them."
Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. Like it would be easier to be able to...I don't know, not care.
I am not an over achiever, though I know some subconscious part of my brain, or just me, or WHATEVER wants to be.
As if that would make anything better.
I've been screaming in my head for most of the day. Especially in ELA, when my struggles with my own writing comes into play.
I honestly expected to see drops on the keyboard the minute I looked down, but they're not there. At this point I'm just ranting angrily...not being skillful or clever writing wise, of course.
And every time I let too much run through my mind at once, I know I'm going to cry.
Because how could I not?
Anyway.
I'm reading the Bell Jar, and at first I tried to turn to Esther and Sylvia, alike as character and author.
But at this point, I don't find comfort in my books. I can only use them as distractions from my loss of confidence. And everything else.
Which depresses me even further.
I'm making an attempt...
to get over it...
but I'm not getting anywhere...
Help...
Ew. I really did not mean for that to sound poetic or metaphorical.
Half the time I feel like I'm going to throw up. I always feel like my work is lacking, thanks to my surroundings and the judgement of others. I'm not feeling competitive, but when certain people are constantly recognized and it's made clear by others that those people are above your levels, it's hard not to compare.
And it's hard not to have a meltdown when writing is what you rely on. Your only outlet. Like me.
I'm starting to get the feeling that this doesn't make any sense.
Anyway.
My gut reaction is to ignore it. Swallow my emotions and let it go. Say to myself, "screw them."
Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. Like it would be easier to be able to...I don't know, not care.
I am not an over achiever, though I know some subconscious part of my brain, or just me, or WHATEVER wants to be.
As if that would make anything better.
I've been screaming in my head for most of the day. Especially in ELA, when my struggles with my own writing comes into play.
I honestly expected to see drops on the keyboard the minute I looked down, but they're not there. At this point I'm just ranting angrily...not being skillful or clever writing wise, of course.
And every time I let too much run through my mind at once, I know I'm going to cry.
Because how could I not?
Anyway.
I'm reading the Bell Jar, and at first I tried to turn to Esther and Sylvia, alike as character and author.
But at this point, I don't find comfort in my books. I can only use them as distractions from my loss of confidence. And everything else.
Which depresses me even further.
I'm making an attempt...
to get over it...
but I'm not getting anywhere...
Help...
Monday, May 17, 2010
Waking Up
Somethin' filled up
my heart with nothin'
someone told me not to cry.
These are the first three lines of the song "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire. Looking at it as poetry without the musical component has proved to be difficult, but I purposely chose a song with meaningful lyrics for this week's entry. And with songs like this, there are a million ways the words can be interpreted...
I think that these three particular (first) lines are referring to- in some way- the reaction of humans when they are caught off gaurd. Like an unexpected death. The nothingness that fills you, the empty, broken place in your heart. Filling up with nothing is the same as having everything cruelly sucked away. Someone tells you not to cry. To rise above. But all at once, you wonder how you could cry when all you have is the nothingness, and at the same time how you couldn't.
But now that I'm older,
my heart's colder,
and I know that it's a lie.
The time that goes by after something like this causes your heart to fill with something. In order to survive, we can't be empty. An empty heart is an empty person.
So coldness swirls in, if we find nothing else. Hate; hate for life, and love, and everything beautiful about it. Because you've lost something, so why should everyone else be rewarded with the beautiful things? You grow up from that, coming to believe that the world has mislead you. You've been lied to, pushed around and forced by thise who were once in control o you that you had to get over it and you would. But you didn't. It changed you in ways you never wanted.
Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust...
This might not necessarily be speaking out just towards "children"- it could mean anyone who inexperienced with that. The speaker is basically telling them to fix their mistakes, but also to get over whatever happens while they still can. Because at some point it becomes impossible, and it leaves a scar on you; it takes away your "childhood," which could be literal in the case of actually children but will vary depending on who is being spoken to. It could just mean taking away the joy in whatever period of time they're in.
Also, summer is like the time when children let go- free of school, many free to do what they want. Most kids look forward to it. It can be seen as their happy period of time.
Before they turn the summer into dust.
Before something takes away that happiness.
If "Wake Up" is read like a poem, then each stanza has its own meaning. But they all connect into one. There are many more stanzas (or sections) of it, but the general message is portrayed in just the first few. I could go on with every one, but I get at this point. Don't hold grudges. Don't hold onto everything. Or you'll lose a lot more than what you did originally- possibly your happiness, your warmth, and yourself.
In two words, what Arcade Fire is trying to tell us- us "children" especially: let go.
my heart with nothin'
someone told me not to cry.
These are the first three lines of the song "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire. Looking at it as poetry without the musical component has proved to be difficult, but I purposely chose a song with meaningful lyrics for this week's entry. And with songs like this, there are a million ways the words can be interpreted...
I think that these three particular (first) lines are referring to- in some way- the reaction of humans when they are caught off gaurd. Like an unexpected death. The nothingness that fills you, the empty, broken place in your heart. Filling up with nothing is the same as having everything cruelly sucked away. Someone tells you not to cry. To rise above. But all at once, you wonder how you could cry when all you have is the nothingness, and at the same time how you couldn't.
But now that I'm older,
my heart's colder,
and I know that it's a lie.
The time that goes by after something like this causes your heart to fill with something. In order to survive, we can't be empty. An empty heart is an empty person.
So coldness swirls in, if we find nothing else. Hate; hate for life, and love, and everything beautiful about it. Because you've lost something, so why should everyone else be rewarded with the beautiful things? You grow up from that, coming to believe that the world has mislead you. You've been lied to, pushed around and forced by thise who were once in control o you that you had to get over it and you would. But you didn't. It changed you in ways you never wanted.
Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust...
This might not necessarily be speaking out just towards "children"- it could mean anyone who inexperienced with that. The speaker is basically telling them to fix their mistakes, but also to get over whatever happens while they still can. Because at some point it becomes impossible, and it leaves a scar on you; it takes away your "childhood," which could be literal in the case of actually children but will vary depending on who is being spoken to. It could just mean taking away the joy in whatever period of time they're in.
Also, summer is like the time when children let go- free of school, many free to do what they want. Most kids look forward to it. It can be seen as their happy period of time.
Before they turn the summer into dust.
Before something takes away that happiness.
If "Wake Up" is read like a poem, then each stanza has its own meaning. But they all connect into one. There are many more stanzas (or sections) of it, but the general message is portrayed in just the first few. I could go on with every one, but I get at this point. Don't hold grudges. Don't hold onto everything. Or you'll lose a lot more than what you did originally- possibly your happiness, your warmth, and yourself.
In two words, what Arcade Fire is trying to tell us- us "children" especially: let go.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
A Nirvana-influenced perspective of The Best Teen Writing of 2009
Leaving the beautiful weekend in the Hamptons was painful, but I had Nirvana and the Scholastic Awards to thank for making the ride home a little better.
With “Come as You Are” pounding through my earbuds, I read through the book I received at the Scholastic Awards- the book containing what is perceived as the best teen writing of 2009. I was expecting something a little lesser of what the writing quality actually turned out to be, but I was not to surprised. I know some pretty talented people my age, and it’s amazing what some of my peers can do with a pencil- or pen, for that matter- and something to write on.
One of the reasons I prefer “older” music to pretty much a lot of albums publicized in the last decade- there’s more to interpret. So as I dug through the best teen writing of 2009, I also dug through one of my favorite songs. “Come as You Are” happens to be an example of one I’ve been thinking through for a long time, and every time the ideas come out differently.
That’s what’s hard about music- the meaning could be laying on the surface, easily spotted; there could be multiple meanings, swimming much deeper than the average human brain can find; or there could simply be no meaning at all. In an altered version of Nirvana’s words, the song could be “coming as it is.”
So I had this to ponder as well as the works of teen writers from all over.
So you could say I listened to Nirvana with the ears of a reader.
And I ended up learning a lot about myself as a reader. At first I was drawn to the short stories, but after forcing myself to randomly open to a page and read whatever that gave me, I found a new love and appreciation for creative journalism, memoirs, and other non-narrative writing.
And thanks to Nirvana, I was able to push myself to think on an undiscovered level of complexity that my brain has now been exposed to.
I think I’ll try this again next time I leave the Hamptons…
With “Come as You Are” pounding through my earbuds, I read through the book I received at the Scholastic Awards- the book containing what is perceived as the best teen writing of 2009. I was expecting something a little lesser of what the writing quality actually turned out to be, but I was not to surprised. I know some pretty talented people my age, and it’s amazing what some of my peers can do with a pencil- or pen, for that matter- and something to write on.
One of the reasons I prefer “older” music to pretty much a lot of albums publicized in the last decade- there’s more to interpret. So as I dug through the best teen writing of 2009, I also dug through one of my favorite songs. “Come as You Are” happens to be an example of one I’ve been thinking through for a long time, and every time the ideas come out differently.
That’s what’s hard about music- the meaning could be laying on the surface, easily spotted; there could be multiple meanings, swimming much deeper than the average human brain can find; or there could simply be no meaning at all. In an altered version of Nirvana’s words, the song could be “coming as it is.”
So I had this to ponder as well as the works of teen writers from all over.
So you could say I listened to Nirvana with the ears of a reader.
And I ended up learning a lot about myself as a reader. At first I was drawn to the short stories, but after forcing myself to randomly open to a page and read whatever that gave me, I found a new love and appreciation for creative journalism, memoirs, and other non-narrative writing.
And thanks to Nirvana, I was able to push myself to think on an undiscovered level of complexity that my brain has now been exposed to.
I think I’ll try this again next time I leave the Hamptons…
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Falling in love with The History of it
Deeply in love.
My love for The History of Love by Nicole Krauss sprouted from hoping I'd like it to loving it more than I ever imagined I would. As you might have been able to tell from my last entry, for whatever reason the book was not doing for me. For most parts of the beginning, I think I was bored. I think it's the kind of book where you have to pay attention and be patient. Then you're rewarded with more than you deserve by the end.
Maybe this is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. A challenge.
Anyway, for the second out of (hopefully) many blog entries about the book, I chose to focus on an un-noted characteristic of Alma, and her relationships with her family members. In the book, Alma is searching for the woman she's named after. A book character from a book called The History of Love, which her mother is translating for an author. Fourteen (and growing up fast throughout the book) Alma believes the character Alma Mereminski to be real.
This search not only shows her persistence and determination, but also her desparate sides and weaknesses. One of these weaknesses seemed to lay within Alma's mother. The main thing I noticed was that rather than spend time with her mother, Alma prefers to search for a possibly fictional woman. Though her search is portrayed as important and key to the plot, I think it also might be that Alma uses this as something to keep her occupied when need be.
I think this says something about both Alma and her mother as characters, and as people with emotions. Alma was always more loving and involved with her father, until he died when she was seven. I think Alma is afraid that by turning to her mother for comfort and parental guidance, she would be letting go of her father. She's afraid of losing him- but what she doesn't understand is that she already has. Meaning she has nothing to lose by going to her mother.
Thouhgh Alma never comes to terms with her fear or the truth at any point in the book, I'm pretty sure she will eventually. In her case, on thing that comes from growing up will be letting go.
My love for The History of Love by Nicole Krauss sprouted from hoping I'd like it to loving it more than I ever imagined I would. As you might have been able to tell from my last entry, for whatever reason the book was not doing for me. For most parts of the beginning, I think I was bored. I think it's the kind of book where you have to pay attention and be patient. Then you're rewarded with more than you deserve by the end.
Maybe this is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. A challenge.
Anyway, for the second out of (hopefully) many blog entries about the book, I chose to focus on an un-noted characteristic of Alma, and her relationships with her family members. In the book, Alma is searching for the woman she's named after. A book character from a book called The History of Love, which her mother is translating for an author. Fourteen (and growing up fast throughout the book) Alma believes the character Alma Mereminski to be real.
This search not only shows her persistence and determination, but also her desparate sides and weaknesses. One of these weaknesses seemed to lay within Alma's mother. The main thing I noticed was that rather than spend time with her mother, Alma prefers to search for a possibly fictional woman. Though her search is portrayed as important and key to the plot, I think it also might be that Alma uses this as something to keep her occupied when need be.
I think this says something about both Alma and her mother as characters, and as people with emotions. Alma was always more loving and involved with her father, until he died when she was seven. I think Alma is afraid that by turning to her mother for comfort and parental guidance, she would be letting go of her father. She's afraid of losing him- but what she doesn't understand is that she already has. Meaning she has nothing to lose by going to her mother.
Thouhgh Alma never comes to terms with her fear or the truth at any point in the book, I'm pretty sure she will eventually. In her case, on thing that comes from growing up will be letting go.
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